ramblings, musings, and the occasional insight.

NEW BLOG: Married in Mile Square City

2011-03-04T18:49:00.001-05:00

Hi friends! If anyone is still following me here, I would like to invite to follow my new blog:

Married in Mile Square City.

I thought it was high time for a new blog due to many reasons:

I’ve been wanting to begin a WordPress blog for so long
It’s 2011, and although January is over and New Year’s resolutions have been made, the year has just begun and it makes me want to start something new
I just got married and am entering an entirely new stage of life

So come follow along and join in the conversation!

The Kindness of Strangers.

2010-11-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

An older gentleman flagged me down tonight as I walked home tonight in the rain without an umbrella. "Miss! Miss! Where are you going?" I told him, and he insisted on walking with me to keep me dry, because it wasn't far from where he was headed.

He introduced himself, and I told him my name. He explained to me how his surgeon friend gave him a tip about how to always dress in light layers in the winter, so as not to sweat. If you do this, he said, you will never get the flu. "I haven't had a cold in 18 long years!" he happily declared. I was further informed of how I should consider a freezing cold water numbing option at the dentist (because it is such high technology, I don't even need Novocaine).

"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked as his next non sequiter. I told him I did, and that in fact, I had a fiancé and am getting married in two months. He advised me not to do it, telling me that that marriage was just a piece of paper and asked a rhetorical question about why I would want to change something if it already works.

He had just come from his girlfriend Isabella's house a few blocks away. He told me he had gotten her a fourteen karat gold ring with a blue topaz for their fifth anniversary, and that it had cost him about $700. He asked if I wanted to know what he got her for their tenth, and warned me that he didn't have any smelling salts, and that I might fall over. The gift was a gold necklace with her name plate and 35 tiny diamonds!

He then told me how I could "psychologically" go about getting my fiancé to buy me a gold and topaz ring: I should tell Nick over a cup of coffee that I had seen this book on the ground and in the pages was a picture of this beautiful gold topaz ring, and that ever since, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

He finally wrapped up the mostly one-sided conversation on my doorstep. "Good luck with your boyfriend! God Bless You," he said. And we parted ways.

A Reading for A Friend's Wedding.

2010-11-07T17:09:00.000-05:00

I recognize this is somewhat of a repetitive thought, but since it took a slightly different form, I thought I would post it anyway. Clearly, God is still speaking to my heart so much about marriage and community and how the two go hand in hand.
- - -
Here it is, you’ve made it. It’s your big day.

Today is not the finish line in your relationship, but the start of a new exciting chapter. Today is the beginning of the rest of your lives together.

“Happily ever after” looks different in reality than it does in fairy tales. Yes, it is fun and absolutely filled with love, but real happiness requires work and sacrifice. It takes dying to yourself daily and choosing to put the other person first. It’s about learning how to love in all circumstances.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her book Committed says, “There is hardly a more gracious gift that we can offer somebody than to accept them fully, to love them almost despite themselves." You will not complete each other, but in your marriage, you will push each other to become better versions of yourselves. You will learn your strengths and your flaws and year by year, you will learn the art of becoming each other’s complement.

All of us are here today to witness this commitment you are making to each other before God and by our presence, we too make the commitment to see you through. Marriage is about more than the two of you as a couple, it is also about your community. It is about your family and friends and the people you choose to live your lives beside.

When you’ve got a good thing, you’ve got to hold onto it and fight for it daily. You will go through hard times. You will wake up some days and doubt. But I challenge you, during those times, to look back to this day and remember the promises you have made, and all the reasons you made them in the first place.

I pray God’s blessing upon you both, that through the years you may keep your marriage covenant, and so grow in love and the knowledge of the One whose love never fails, that your home may be a haven of blessing and peace.

Wedding Inspiration

2010-08-17T00:57:00.016-04:00

My current desktop background created from various blog photos to "inspire" me towards completing tasks for our upcoming wedding on 1.21.2011!

(click to enlarge)

Do you have any fantastic winter wedding or purple themed ideas to share?

Not Like the Movies

2010-08-10T01:05:00.003-04:00

This song is from Katy Perry's new album. I wish I could sit down and chat with her, she fascinates me as she comes from a strong Christian background but seems to have gone a different direction with her life.

I think I understand her heart behind this song but I have to admit I find it frustrating. I sympathize with that deep longing for "that fairy-tale feeling." I still fight doubts and fears about why my love doesn't look like the one I imagined as a kid. The reality is that for a lot of people, love doesn't resemble what we see the movies. And that's probably actually a good thing.

I don't know if Katy Perry wrote the song from a "teenage dream" perspective or the one she views the world from now. I wonder if she feels that Russell Brand was "made perfectly" for her, and the fulfillment of her childhood dreams. Part of me hopes she does, and that he is, and its for real. But the jaded part of me wonders how long it will take them to follow the traditional Hollywood whirlwind romance path and end up divorced.

transitions galore.

2010-07-07T21:40:00.006-04:00

A lot has changed since I last blogged. I got engaged April 10th (I suppose I’ll save that story for when I finally launch a wedding website), turned in my resignation letter to All Souls stating that my last day of work was June 25th, and last Wednesday, I packed all my earthly possessions in the back of a 10 foot Budget rental truck and drove over 600 miles “home” to Pennsylvania.

I’ve been in a transitional state (yes, again!) since January of this year. I knew big decisions were to be made within the next six months. Getting engaged long distance, quitting your job, moving over 600 miles to a new city, planning a wedding, and hunting for employment is a LOT to balance, but that’s what I’ve been attempting for the past three months. Honestly sometimes it’s hard for me to picture what this process would look like for “normal” people who have actually dated in the same town and are planning to combine lives. They say that wedding planning is stressful but WOW, this must be a whole new level.

So we have no date yet, because just this past Saturday we were finally able to go visit venues together. It was so good to finally go and experience such an important part of this process together in person instead of just being stuck doing research, research and more research online. We hope to be able to come to a decision in the next couple weeks and finally set a date! I promise you, dear friends, when we finally know something in stone, it won’t be long before you’ve been informed.

Last week I moved all my non-essentials to my parents’ house, and packed Nick’s car full of the rest and moved me up to Jersey City Heights, which is about a 20 minute walk from Nick’s place in Hoboken. I’m subleasing here for the next month or two, but will have to come up with a new plan come the beginning of September. I am realizing that while I do have savings, they won’t last very long with NYC cost of living. I will need a job before long, and ideally I would like to find something that is in the editorial world. I’ve considered the idea of being a live-in nanny or working retail, etc. just to make ends’ meat but something keeps pushing me to just go ahead and apply for jobs that actually relate to my career path for a month or so before “giving in.” We’ll see how that goes.

I spent the 4th of July on the Hoboken pier with Nick and his friends from Hoboken Grace. It was a poignant moment, sitting there under the fireworks, considering that everything started between Nick and I on the fourth of July two years ago. Back then we (especially I) fumbled things pretty badly. I knew I liked him but wasn’t sure what I wanted, and here we are, months from spending the rest of our lives together. God sure has a sense of humor.

Feel free to call or write (leave a comment if you don’t know have my current contact info). I’m unemployed again, so I’ve got all the time in the world ;)

Giving Up on Prince Charming.

2010-04-05T20:56:00.003-04:00

[started 2.8.2010]

When I was younger, my hope and prayer was that someday, my prince would come, and we would fall desperately, madly in love, and live happily ever after. (Yeah, thanks a lot Disney!) In my mind, this meant that somewhere in the world, there was this perfect person out there who I was meant to spend my life with.

In high school, my mother bought me every Christian dating book there was, hot off the press, in hopes that I would learn from the wisdom of these authors and someday marry a wonderful man who loved Jesus. Some of these books were completely lame, but some of them actually grabbed my attention when I realized the authors had actually managed to find "the one" for them. I think I got it into my pretty little head that if these people had found the loves of their lives by loving God as much as possible and following the strict rules they had laid out for themselves, that maybe if I followed the formula, I would get to have a love that looked like theirs.

I remember one summer - I think it was after my sophomore year in high school - I heard a woman give a talk about relationships at a Christ in Youth (CIY) conference. She said she had made a list and prayed for her future husband every day for X number of years. One day, she met this boy, who she hardly knew, but was quickly enamored with. Some immensely short period of time passed, and this boy asked her to marry him, and as she was thinking and praying about this boy, she went looking for her list, buried somewhere in a drawer. She was alone, and yet heard a voice say, "You don't need it anymore." Now I'm sure I'm forgetting all kinds of details that make this story seem less crazy, but after hearing that story, my heart so badly wanted something similar.

I don't remember whether it was before or after hearing that story, but around the age of 16, I made my first list of the attributes I wanted in my "perfect" guy. To give you an idea of the thirty-some traits I listed: He had love God more than life itself, be funny, like dancing, and he had to have "NICE" arms. I think I had good intentions in letting my heart be known before God in the writing of this list, but in doing so, I quickly developed standards that were quite honestly, ridiculous. I promised myself that when it came to marriage, I wouldn't settle for less than God's best for me. And honestly, "God's best" in my mind was probably closer to "what I think is best for me."

After a series of not-so-good dating choices in high school, and being hurt even by boys at bible college, I resigned myself to the jaded idea that maybe my prince charming got hit by a bus. I still hoped he would come, but figured maybe he was delayed. That maybe I didn't have my heart completely in order yet, but that when I did, Jesus would reward my devotion with the perfect husband.

Now, approaching 25 and still being unmarried and having fought through more than I had ever hoped of the messy side of love, I think I'm finally willing to rearrange my teenage beliefs and theology on love. I think I'm left with way more questions rather than being closer to the answers. But I think I am recognizing truth when I hear it or see it, and taking note of those moments, like putting together a puzzle one piece at a time.

I had a light bulb moment a few months ago: I think I have been looking my whole life for my other half, my soul mate, my best of best friends. I think to some extent, I've been looking for a clone. A mirror image of myself. Or as one of my roommates recently said, a better version of myself - someone who is everything I wish I was. I wanted someone to completely "get" me, to share my passions and finish my sentences and spend hours upon end discussing life's endless possibilities. Sure, we'd have a blast. But would we ever get anything done? Would we know how to stretch and challenge each other to become better people? At nearly 25, I am seeing that maybe my "ideal" wasn't completely healthy.

Some time ago, I retired the notion of looking for someone to "complete" me, and reassigned that role to Jesus. I think I was somewhat on the right track, but in this life, in my sinful human flesh, I don't know if my heart will ever be fully and completely satisfied and my every need will be met with just Jesus. I mean, that is the goal of course, but it is a lofty one. I am part of a church that deeply values community, and encourages and expects its members to literally live life together. In this way of intentional way of living, I am more readily recognizing my strengths and weaknesses.

Now maybe more than ever, I am able to appreciate these people and the unique way they have been designed. The "body of Christ" makes sense to me. Eyes and hands and feet all perform different functions, but without the coexistence of these parts, the body would not be able to perform as it is designed. As I have learned the beauty and value of committing my life to this group of people that are purposing to seek the peace of our city in every way possible, I have come to realize that I need them. And if my future husband meets all of my needs, why would I need anyone else? Why would I need the church? Why would I need friendships or extended family?

When I moved to Knoxville over a year ago, I knew I wanted to get involved and connected in a local church to plant deep roots and not just "church hop" like I did throughout my first three years of my college undergraduate career. Making the commitment to joining a church is a lot like signing a marriage contract. Becoming a member is saying I am not just an individual, I am a part of something bigger. I am responsible for the care of other people, and they in turn will care for me. In the case of my church membership ritual, there were even vows involved, stating that I would pursue a life of holiness, with God's help.

I should probably admit that commitment has terrified me. While living in Philadelphia during my last years of college, I half-jokingly began to refer to myself as a "commitment-phobe." My heart's desire was to love and be loved deeply, without reserve, but past experiences had allowed me to build walls and hold any guy who tried at arm's length.

I have come to realize this commitment issue showed up in my spiritual life as well. I never committed to a church because I was still looking for one that was "the perfect fit" or had all the things I valued and was looking for. While All Souls is by no means a perfect church (there is no such thing!), I quickly learned its heart and vision to seek the peace of Knoxville and delve into God's word and invite the Holy Spirit to speak and be in genuine community and practice the arts. As I looked at this church, I realized that it was an answered prayer. That the places God had been leading me on my lifelong journey with Him had led me here. I was able to take the plunge because I had been paying attention to the desires God had been steadily placing in my heart, and I recognized them as they were being recalled and realized.

God doesn't promise that his beautiful but flawed bride called the church won't fail. That it won't mess up and at times, break your heart. He doesn't promise that of marriage either. It is largely a leap of faith. The imagery of the church as the bride of Christ makes so much sense to me. I am learning, both with God and my patient boyfriend, what it looks like to stop running and being propelled by fear and that commitment actually can be a beautiful thing. I'm learning that whether its in church or romance, it's not all about me. (Isn't that a lifelong lesson?!) On both fronts, I am learning to recognize where God is showing up and breaking through and saying,

"Hey, do you remember that dream? That desire? I'm fulfilling it. It looks nothing like you thought it would, but you can let go of those standards you built up for yourself. What I have for you is so much better. So much more than your wildest dreams. "

So I'm burying the fairy tales. Reality can be beautiful, too. I am learning what committed love looks like and I will love, deeply and fully and passionately, with God's help.

Resolute.

2010-01-18T21:59:00.006-05:00

Recently a friend of mine told me that I always made more resolutions than anyone else she knew, and that she loved that about me.

Up until this point, I've not really made a ton of new, specific resolutions. I usually go into the new year acknowledging it as a fresh start, excited for the new things it will bring. This time around, I was just so happy to say goodbye to 2009 and its expectations that it's been hard to let myself put new ones on 2010. Last year was one of the craziest, hardest, most exhausting years I've been through.

I think this is evidenced by my complete lack of blog presence. Not that I should offer excuses for why I disappeared from the blogosphere, but I just couldn't bring myself to pour my heart into a medium that becomes an external display of its inner workings. Maybe I wasn't willing to see what what was really going on in my heart. But mostly, I think I struggled to even find the words to describe the persistent dull ache in my chest.

I made a pact with my roommate this past fall that Monday nights would be dedicated to writing at Remedy, and I was only semi-successful at that, but it was a step in the right direction. So maybe my 2010 resolution shouldn't be some grand sweeping, life-altering goal, but simply to meet the one I already made.

Repost: Santa Christ? Jesus Claus?

2010-01-04T20:06:00.013-05:00

So, this is kind of cheating. But I never "officially" posted this on my own blog, just on a friend's blog (Make A Difference to One), completely out of season this summer. I shared this last night as an offering at All Souls' worship service. The first time I read through it again, six months after writing it, my initial reaction to my own writing was, "That sounds so trite. You're really considering reading this in front of the entire congregation? You really think no one has heard some version of this before?" I had to remind myself of the stirring in my soul during the summer -- the recognition that Miller had finally put into words this understanding of God that I had never before thought to verbalize. It was possible that last night, in that room, were people who needed to hear it as much as I did. That maybe they would be touched. Maybe their views of God would be challenged. It's a scary thing to put something you've created out there for everyone to witness. I had to remind myself of what my high school Writer's Workshop teacher used to communicate to us: art is to be shared.

Art is the perpetual motion of illusion. The highest purpose of art is to inspire. What else can you do? What else can you do for anyone but inspire them?

- Bob Dylan

Earlier this year I finished Donald Miller’s Searching for God Knows What, which is a book composed of Miller’s thoughts about and experiences with God. Miller’s books are always entertaining and thought-provoking. He is one of those authors who always seems to be able to put those things we struggle to verbalize into words with an artistic flair.

Chapter two of this book spent some time exploring the parallel between a child’s understanding of Santa Claus and Jesus Christ:

“In my opinion, there are two essential problems with believing God is somebody He isn’t. The first problem is that it wrecks your life, and the second is that it makes God look like an idiot.

When I was a kid and, to be absolutely honest, a teenager and perhaps even a young twenty-something, I believed God was like Santa Claus. I realize grown people should not think God is like Santa Claus, but you wouldn’t believe how perfectly convenient it was for me to subscribe to this idea. The benefits were astounding. First: To interact with Santa Claus, I did not have to maintain any sort of intimate relationship. Santa simply slipped into the house, left presents, ate half a cookie, then hit the neighbors’, There was no getting out of bed in the middle of the night to have sloppy conversations about why I was still wetting the bed.
Second: Santa theology was very black and white: you either made the list or you didn’t and if you didn’t, it was because you were bad, not because of societal pressures or biochemical distortions or your parents or cable television, but because you were bad. Simple indeed. Third: He brought presents based on behavior. If you were good, you got a lot of bank. There was a very clear reward system based on the most basic desires of the human heart: Big Wheels, Hot Wheels, Legos. You didn’t have to get into the spirit of anything, and there was nothing sentimental that served as the real reason for the season. Everybody knew it was about the toys: cold, hard toys. Fourth: Kids who were bad got presents anyway.

Perfect.”

After reading this section, a resounding “WOW” echoed in my head, because everything Miller just said, I had pretty much subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) believed about God at one point in my life. I’m still struggling to get away from it.

As an American kid, growing up, while I knew “Jesus was the reason for the (Christmas) season,” that big ol’ jolly guy in the red suit was definitely a reason, too. Always the inquisitive one, I had figured out by about age 5 or 6 that Santa Claus was just a story, but it didn’t stop me from wanting all the perks on Christmas morning that came along with believing. And yet there was still a magic about the whole Christmas experience – although I don’t think it came from a heart filled with wonder over the birth of the savior of the world. Sometimes it surprises me that although I knew from a very young age that Santa Claus wasn’t real, the idea of Jesus as a man who once walked this earth and now lived in Heaven remained very real to me. As a twenty-something, I am going through the process of stripping away this “pop culture” and “Americanized” version of who I believe Jesus is, and trying to figure out who he truly is.

While I have known this in theory my whole life, I am learning that in order to truly follow Christ, I have to be in intimate relationship with him. I have to come to him with every aspect of myself and my life and ask him, “Hey, what do you want to do with this?” And expect him not only to listen, but to answer. I don’t believe Jesus wants me to jump into his lap, list off the things I want, and then be on my merry way. He is eager to give me good gifts, but he wants me to understand why he’s giving them in the first place. He wants me to know that he loves me, that he’s proud of me, and that being loved by him should overflow into my life and how I love others.

Whether I’m naughty or nice, my God still loves me. There is nothing I can do that will make him end his pursuit of me. It does not mean that I have the license to run around and act like an idiot and make foolish decisions while expecting a pat on the back, but it does mean that whenever I screw up (which is often), he is there waiting for me to ask his forgiveness for breaking his heart, and start again. And there is nothing I can do to make him love me more, or want to give me more presents. His view of me always has been, and always will be the same, and that is that I am his creation, and because he made me just as I am, he loves me just as I am.

In this season of life, I am discovering that there IS a wonder, magic, and mystery to this man Jesus of Nazareth who called himself the Christ. I don’t have to wait anxiously for him to come around once a year, and wait with bated breath to see whether I’ve made the “naughty” or “nice” list. I can meet with him daily, and ask him with confidence what good gifts he has in store for me. A real, interactive relationship with Jesus is worth far more than any material thing I could have ever asked for from Santa Claus.

Take back the years.

2009-09-30T05:19:00.006-04:00

God woke me up a while ago, and wouldn't let me go back to sleep, reminding me, "I will take back the years the locust have eaten."

So I decided to check it out further:

[Joel 2:25, ESV]
I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army, which I sent among you.

[vs.25-27, The Message]
"I'll make up for the years of the locust,
the great locust devastation—
Locusts savage, locusts deadly,
fierce locusts, locusts of doom,
That great locust invasion
I sent your way.
You'll eat your fill of good food.
You'll be full of praises to your God,
The God who has set you back on your heels in wonder.
Never again will my people be despised.
You'll know without question
that I'm in the thick of life with Israel,
That I'm your God, yes, your God,
the one and only real God.
Never again will my people be despised."

Sometimes it's hard to believe He will redeem my bad choices and broken dreams and deep wounds for His glory. But He promised the children of Israel that He would do that, so I believe He promises me the same. I don't have to know how or why, I just have to believe and know that He will.

happy.

2009-08-10T00:06:00.005-04:00

I had someone specifically stop me to tell me tonight that I seem really good. Really happy. In a place where God's peace is just kind of pervading from my being.

I love being able to say, "Yes. You're right. 100%."

I have no doubt that I am smack-dab in the middle of where God wants me. I am surrounded by a community of incredible people at All Souls, I live in a city which has turned out to be a real city (not a fake one!), and I have this incredible new house that just screams "come visit me!" with the sweetest roommates.

There are so many stories to be told, because I've done such a terrible job of telling them via this blog, but hopefully that will all change soon. This past weekend, I bought a MacBook. It won't be here 'til Thursday, but after that I have no excuse not to park myself at Remedy for a few hours in the weeks ahead and share some of them.

I'm not sure who even really keeps up with this, but dear reader, know that I am happy. Happy to the core. Inexplicably and undeniably happy.

On A Soapbox: The Curly Girl Gospel

2009-07-21T23:43:00.013-04:00

When I was in school at Temple University in Philadelphia, I met a girl who had the most gorgeous curls I had ever seen. Being a curly girl myself, I had to tell her this. If you have curly hair, you understand the never ending struggle to find the perfect cocktail to tame your tresses.

I found an opportunity to gush about how beautiful her locks were, and what she said next shocked me.

"I don't shampoo my hair. Just use conditioner. Curly Girl - read it."

I was more than a little taken aback. My internal reaction was, "What? Ew... but, if her curls come out looking like that, then maybe it's worth a try..." Unfortunately, I neither picked up a copy of the book, nor was brave enough to try a shower without shampooing until this year.

Some time ago, I saw a magazine ad for this creepy looking green hand-hair-diffuser-thing that was apparently called a "DevaFuser". I was so intrigued by this strange contraption that I got online to find out more - the company's ad completely worked. It led me to DevaConcepts.com, and after some perusing I discovered that this site was linked back to the author of Curly Girl, Lorraine Massey. At this point, I was paying attention. I'd been led to this woman's approach to curl care at least twice - I was finally ready to hear what she had to say.

One of the turning points for me in my hair care regimen was watching this video:

I had never heard that washing your hair with regular shampoo was like dumping detergent on my head. And once she pointed it out, I thought, "Oh my gosh... she's right." I wasn't ready to give up completely on washing my hair, but I was open to an alternative. Sometime soon after, I ordered the Deva Curl Travel Kit to try out a different way of cleansing my hair. It was definitely strange to no longer have suds in my hair, but my scalp was left with a pleasant tingling sensation.

After that, I ordered the full-blown 32 oz bottles of No Poo, One Condition, and AnGEL a few months ago, and I've been using almost nothing but those products ever since. My hair really does feel healthier, much more moisturized, and I have far less "bad curl days." I went back to an old favorite "regular" shampoo just once a few weeks ago, and when my hair had dried it felt like straw!

So I am on a mission to stop curly girls' ignorance to the effects of sulfates. They are ruining their curls without even knowing it. For a long time, I thought Deva made the only sulfate-free line of hair products out there, but I have recently discovered a few more that are more affordable, and I'm continuing my mission to spread the curly girl gospel - there is a better way.

Love, Peace & the Planet - I had my hair cut at Lox Salon today, and the hairstylist used this to shampoo - it smelled so incredible, I asked her what it was, and as we started talking about it, I was super excited to hear it was a natural hair care line, and even more excited to come home and see that it is FREE of sulfates!

Rainwater Botanticals - I finally gave in to this amazing website called Etsy and decided to search for "sulfate-free" and came up with this gem of an independent store.

Burt's Bees and Kiss My Face - These don't explicitly say that there are no sulfates, but they are nowhere to be found on the ingredient labels!

L'Oreal EverPure - I'm a little more wary about this line, since it is a mainstream company, but it says it's sulfate-free.

Spread the word to other curlies... you never know, you may have someone stop you and tell you that you've got the most gorgeous curls they've ever seen!

sulfate-free :)

For the Fans

2009-07-09T11:30:00.003-04:00

Ok, fans/followers/friends... I've had multiple people pushing me to write more often lately, as I've been sorely lacking posts honestly since I started this new blog eons ago. Realistically, how often do you want to stop by and see something new? I know I should be writing just to write, but I suppose it's a smidge easier when you know you have an audience ;) Anything you're just dying to read about?

Santa Christ? Jesus Claus?

2009-06-23T11:39:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine recently started a blog called "Make a Difference to One," and has asked me to be a contributor. You can find my latest article,"Santa Christ? Jesus Claus?" here. I realize it's way out of season, but when the heart's stirred, you just have to write...

Money Management 101: The Course I Would Have Failed

2009-06-04T23:01:00.014-04:00

Growing up, I never thought I would be the kid who gets excited about saving money. I always put the "fun" percentage of my allowance and my birthday money and all that I earned towards whatever goodies I had my eye on at the time. In middle and high school, it was clothes. During the first half of college, while working as a waitress, it was whatever my heart desired.

The second half of my college career, I only worked on a regular basis during the summer, and some occasional gigs once school was back in session. I was forced to put away about half of whatever I made, because once the next semester kicked in, I had to live off of that plus a monthly government annuity until the next break.

In all this time, even though I worked from the time I was 16, I never stopped to think about the fact that someday I'd need to start considering my financial future. That I'd probably need to purchase a new car. And a new computer. And oh yeah, save for emergencies. It wasn't until I began a full-time paid internship after graduating that I realized, Wow, I'm actually going to be making some real money. What am I supposed to be doing with it?

I sought out the advice of friends who had made good financial decisions and had a "financial dinner" to go over the basics, and this past winter, I made it through about half of a money management course (entitled "Act Your Wage" - there's a knee-slapper) before moving to TN to take on my first "real job."

I can't understand why I was never taught the basics of savings and finance in college. Sure, I was in the school of Communications and Theater, but starving artists need to know how to mangage the little bit of money they'll have! Every college student should have to go through "Money Management 101," so when they get out of school, they actually have a clue as to where to start, instead of piling even more debt on top of their student loans.

If you're reading this thinking, "But it's so overwhelming! I don't know where to start!" Obviously, you have to figure out a realistic budget before you can do anything else. (Check out mint - makes money management so much easier!) But once you figure out where you can make the sacrifices to save, you should move your savings that is more long term (you know you won't need it all in the next few months) into a high-yield checking account. What is a high-yield checking account? An account that will help you make money just by saving money.

I have an Orange savings account with ING DIRECT, and even in the midst of a terrible economy, last year from August-December I made over $20 in interest, and from January-present day, I've made almost $40. ING's also runs a promo where if you sign up through a referral and deposit at least $250, they'll add $25 to your account (as well as $10 to the referer's). If you're interested, leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and I'll hook you up.

So, the lesson is: it pays to save!

lemme upgrade ya.

2009-05-07T01:30:00.004-04:00

the blog was in need of a facelift. pictures + words = a whole lot more interesting. i still don't love my title. suggestions, please?

there is so much i should have been/be writing about over the past few months. but blah, blah, blah - i have no good excuse.

the seester was here last week, and we talked about goal-setting (and breaking). if you start small, you're more likely to succeed.

so i'm trying to set some small, realistic goals for myself by way of creating a (flexible) weekly routine. but i've yet to sit down and write it out, because i:

suck at self-discipline
don't deal well with failure

any advice on how to go about this successfully?

Update from "Knoxvegas": Week 1

2009-02-26T22:25:00.015-05:00

I would just like to preface this by saying I generally like to blog about the things I'm thinking rather than the things I'm doing, so writing an entry all about my activities of the last week seems a little self-indulgent, but since so many people have been asking for "the update," I suppose this is it. Here are the highlights:

Monday (2.16): I moved almost all of my earthly possessions from my sister's jam-packed minivan into a small house in East Knoxville. My house is less than half a mile from downtown, so I can bike to work when the weather gets to be consistently nice. I'm pumped about that because I can go green, save gas money, and get a little healthier at the same time! I have two roommates who are undergrads at UT - Amanda, and Charli, who owns the casa. Leave a comment/shoot me an email etc. if you'd like my snail mail address!

Tuesday (2.17): ...was my first day as the new Administrative/Communications Assistant at All Souls Church. It was a slow week because there was no staff meeting and besides Doug, the Senior Pastor, Travetta, the Worship & Arts Director, (and the only other person who is in the office on a regular basis) was on vacation. Throughout the week, different people asked me if the task list they gave me was overwhelming, but I reassured them it wasn't too much. Thankfully, they organized my responsibilities into daily, weekly, monthly, and ongoing tasks.

Thursday (2.19): I met up with an old friend from JBC, my hallmate and practically roommate, Elaine! I hadn't seen her in what felt like forever - my guess is probably 2006? We did coffee at Starbucks, and I got to check out her gorgeous engagement ring, hear about the plans for the upcoming July wedding, and the soon-to-be Emmanuel's plans to live in community in Saint Louis. It was wonderful to catch up with her! Afterwards, I traveled over to another fellow JBC-er's apartment (one whom I had never offically met, but connected with via Craigslist) to pick up a computer chair. I got to play with her adorable kitties and chat for a while - it it so great to move back to this city and have a frame of reference. I'm looking forward to running into and catching up with more JBC friends :)

Friday (2.20): A friend of CJ's/aquaintence from JBC, Nikki, invited me to have lunch with the Fellows while I was in the office on Friday. It was great to finally meet this group of people who have purposed to learn about, love, and serve the city of Knoxville for a year. I would encourage my graduating senior friends who are interested in doing a service year to check it out! When the Fellows went around the room and introduced themselves, I was reminded again of how small the world really is. Nikki's from Newport News (where my mom's parents lived for a long time), there was a girl who went to Furman (where my Gram JJ went to college), and a girl named Kate from Harrisonburg/JMU grad (H-burg is where my Grammie Vought currently lives, and Kelly goes to school at EMU).

I ended up going out with Friday night to dinner with Nikki and Kate at the Downtown Grill & Brewery, where CJ works. I love that they have happy hour appetizer and drink specials until 8! My dinner ended up costing less than $10 total :) We had planned to see Erin McCarley at The Square Room but didn't have our hearts set on it, so instead we met up with some All Souls people and apparently most of the Dirty Guvnahs (who've made a pretty big name for themselves in Ktown) at Barley's Taproom & Pizzeria. As the few friends that follow my twitter know, I had forgotten the Knoxville "going out" male dress code consists of button down shirts, jeans & baseball caps. Definitely not what you'd see at a Friday night at Kildare's in Philly!

Sunday (2.22): I attended my first service at All Souls as a resident of Knoxville. Doug began a sermon series entitled, "First Things: Six Truths Every Christian Should Know" (which you can check out and follow along with soon via All Souls Podcasts). I'm excited. I plan to check out other churches, but I think it will be a challenge to find a church that is a better fit in time (6 pm!) and mission ("Seek the Peace of the City"). There is a Vineyard Community a little ways away that I definitely plan to visit, although its gatherings are on Saturday nights (boo).

So overall, it's going well. Nothing too mind-blowingly amazing to share, but hopefully this will suffice for now! Hopefully another update will be on its way soon enough...

...In and Out the Window.

2009-01-27T19:58:00.006-05:00

I haven't blogged in forever... I'm too busy living life, I suppose. It's sad when life becomes too busy to do the thing you love the most.

My Grandaddy Vought (mom's dad) passed away on Christmas Eve. I can't even begin to say what an amazing person he was, but this may give you a small idea. I came home from work today to find Go In and Out the Window: An Illustrated Songbook for Young People on my desk. It was opened to a blank page, on which had been written:

May 28, 1989

Given to Erika on her fourth birthday with the hope that it might provide her some of the same joy and amusement that these songs provided him from the time he was a small boy, right down to the present day.

With deepest love and affection,
Grandaddy Vought

We love you and miss you so much already...

beauty in brokenness.

2008-11-17T23:18:00.007-05:00

Tonight, I participated in "An Evening with To Write Love on Her Arms" at Burlap & Bean, my favorite local coffee shop. If you don't know about TWLOHA yet, you should check them out. What an incredible organization. They exist to encourage people out of darkness and into light, out of fear and into hope. To start conversations about self-hate and cutting and depression and suicide and shame and brokenness and to tell people that this isn't all there is - that rescue is possible for them.

I don't have enough time to write about all that's on my mind before I crash tonight, but here is what I was left with/reminded of tonight, to be expanded upon later:

We only have one life to live. What do we really want it to look like? It should be about building relationships and loving people... We were meant for community.
There is beauty in brokenness. We tell our stories to bring healing to the hurts in other people's lives. If you never share your brokenness you may be preventing others from seeing that they are not alone, and that there is hope for victory.

[To be continued...]

2008-11-10T21:21:00.001-05:00

"Then the time came when the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud was more painful
than the risk it took to bloom."
- Anais Nin

I wonder when that will be true for me.

Historic.

2008-11-04T23:18:00.007-05:00

We made history tonight, people! Regardless of my personal views about the downfalls of the political system, I will say that I am proud from a civil rights point of view that our country has come this far. Change is possible...

Voting My Convictions.

2008-10-26T16:43:00.017-04:00

I just finished reading Adam Smith's In the Booth, Not of the Booth article from the September/October issue of RELEVANT magazine, and absolutely had to blog about it. Smith's article focuses around the opinions of Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw, writers of Jesus for President (as well as residents of Philly and Camden, respectively), and Eastern University's Tony Campolo.

These guys present a lot of good food for thought on how to your Christian convictions should translate to the polls. It is impossible for me to slap my stamp of approval on either candidate in this presidential election - or probably any election that will ever be held. I can never completely identify with one political party label or another. Overall, I think the majority of politicians are slick smooth-talkers who end up making a lot of empty promises. There is too much money and deal-making involved in our politics for me to be able to trust the system.

There were a lot of great points made in the article, but this point made by Haw probably stuck out to me the most:

"Global markets, rather than elected offices, truly hold the balance of political power. 'I think Christians need to be making some economic connections, too, about what the whole sphere of political change means today," he says. 'In the mid-20th century, something started changing within the U.S. economy and the military and the whole sphere of global economics that started totally moving in this direction of global capital being more powerful than any government. That has not been noticed by most folks. We think we're controlling the government by our vote. It turns our that the marketplace is really tantamount to all things going on in the government."

This is a huge issue for Christians if you take what Jesus said - "You can not serve both God and Mammon (money)" seriously. So I am struggling through how I respond to all of this. I believe the most effective change will come from people's passionate grassroots movements. But I also believe you can work with the system to get things done and policies in place.

I can't vote anti-life, which for me, means the innocent bloodshed of the unborn - as well as Iraqi children. I can't vote hoping that the "trickle-down" effect will solve the problem of poverty. I can't vote for environmental policies that refuse to fight for a better world for our children. I can't vote for a health care plan that leaves people wondering how they are going to be able to support their families.

If I vote - which I probably will, because I recognize that it is a right that I am blessed to have as an American, to have a voice in my political system when so many people around the world do not - it really does come down to voting for the lesser of two evils. I agree with Claiborne that "one way of looking at voting is that it's damage control - voting against whatever is going to do the worst damage." No one person can embody the "hope" that America really needs. We will not find our savior in a presidential candidate.

I believe the hope America is looking for was embodied in a man who died on a cross 2,000 years ago - the God who came down to Earth to walk beside and give hope to those who had none. The greatest hope America has is for those who claim to follow the way of Jesus to usher in the Kingdom of God here on earth by loving our neighbors as ourselves. My ultimate allegiance does not lie with my identity as an American, but as a member of the kingdom that was, and is, and is to come.

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
It's to a King & a kingdom"
-Derek Webb

"Where I Stood."

2008-10-13T23:52:00.007-04:00

Every time I've heard this song come up on my Pandora, I've recognized my heart in Missy Higgins' words. Add another to the soundtrack to my life...

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood

Love is like...

2008-09-30T23:06:00.009-04:00

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

- Bruce Lee

Yes, the Bruce Lee. No, I am not kidding.

How great is this quote? I came across it while researching quotes on "preparation" today for work.

I love bumping into truth when I least expect it.

Saddleback Civil Forum

2008-09-19T10:02:00.003-04:00

For those of you who heard about the Saddleback Civil Forum but missed it, RELEVANT Magazine has worked it out with Rick Warren to host the entire thing on the new "politics" section of RelevantMagazine.com. I haven't watched it yet, but am really looking forward to doing so.

random collage fun.

2008-09-16T22:40:00.002-04:00

i love the new beta version of picasa.
and my amazing sister and her photo skillz.

that is all :)

A Conversation with God.

2008-09-14T23:48:00.004-04:00

Prompted by Eden & Brad Jersak's book "Rivers from Eden."

Me: What is one aspect of your character that you want to reveal to me today?
God: I am your Creator.
Me: What does that word mean to you?
God: It means that I think you are beautiful.
Me: Ok, great. I knew that. I don't mean that to be disrespectful. It just wasn't really what I was looking for. Is there anything else?
God: It means I know your heart.
Me: I knew that too. Although I know I needed that reminder. Sigh.
God: It means I know his too.
Me: (Smiles at this reminder) That's still not really an answer. But I'll take it.
Me: So, what if this word - Creator - is true? What will it mean for my life today?
God: I love you.

Home.

2008-08-27T00:11:00.005-04:00

Class tonight was absolutely amazing. We had our pastor (who happens to be my dad) and an elder come and minister to us regarding the wounds our earthly fathers have inflicted, and how God wants to heal those places where they failed. I don't have time to get into the details of it on this blog tonight, so if you'd like to know about it, you should probably call me sometime soon. But I wanted to share this profound thought/quote:

"When we do not feel at home, secure and at rest in the Father's love, it becomes very easy to live our lives as if we do not have a home."

Wow.

I don't know if that hits anyone else the way that hit me (right in the heart) but I can see so much evidence of how I have lived that way. I've written about the concept of "home" before - but this concept always seems to come back up - each time, a little differently.

Jesus loves me. And He points me to Abba, Father - the only 100% perfect Daddy I will ever know.

"For you have not received a spirit of slavery ;eading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba, Father!'" - Romans 8:15

I am so blessed and so loved.

20,000 Leagues.

2008-06-29T16:06:00.000-04:00

So I just discovered this song via my "Postal Service" radio station on Pandora.com, and the simple electronica + lyrics = amazing.

True Affection
by The Blow

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Down to the bottom

I wanted a junction and often there was one
You'd surface face first and we'd share our thought bubbles
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn't fair to cross

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

Your depths made a pressure that punctured my works
And all your fluids couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But because it's real doesn't mean it's gonna work

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

The Great Physician.

2008-06-27T00:01:00.001-04:00

God is doing some seriously awesome things in the realm of inner-healing... check out one woman's testimony. Be sure to watch the live ministry session, AND her testimony a year later.

Similar ministry is happening all around the world. People are allowing the Holy Spirit to minister to them, and are being healed - spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

God is doing awesome things at my home church in prayer ministry, and you can find a "Healing Room" near you at this site.

God Calling.

2008-05-09T06:00:00.000-04:00

I have so many things I want to write about, but I never seem to make enough time. I need to do that - I'm so annoyed with myself for only writing once each month since I started this new blog.

I just started taking this "Inner Healing Class" on Tuesday nights through my home church. Last night was the second class I've been to, and next week ends the first unit, but already, I am blown away by what I am learning.

In the first week, we covered the questions of "Does God speak to us? Does He want us to hear Him?" and "How do we hear Him?" These may seem like such simple questions, but I think a lot of us struggle with them. I know that I have asked, "Why would God choose to speak to me?" I sometimes wrestle with the idea that the creator of the universe would actually want to take the time to speak into my life, but this is the kind of relationship the Father deeply desires. He wants us to run to Him, and then He wants us to listen.

There are so many examples of how God has spoken to people through history, and the Bible is chock full of them. Samuel hears God's voice audibly but doesn't realize who it is speaking until Eli discerns that it is God and tells him (1 Samuel 3). Moses sees God through the physical manifestation of a burning bush, and then hears a voice (Exodus 3).

If Yahweh, the Hebrew God of the Old Testament is true to His character, from the beginning until the end of time, that means He still wants to speak to us today.

I believe I have heard God speak before – through His word, and through other people, but I have always had trouble with hearing God in prayer. I think my biggest issue has been that I feel like I had never been told or hadn't understood - until now - that God expects us to have a conversation with him like we would with a friend. My tendency has been to hand over my list of questions and requests to God, say “Thank you!” and walk away. Instead, when I ask him a question, I need to ask it with the expectancy that he will answer – and may choose to do so right then.

For years I have been waiting for God’s direction, some inkling as to what his will is, and yet I really haven’t sat down and asked him directly and waited for an answer.

An exercise we did last night in class really helped me in beginning to do this. We were told to picture a place to meet with God. This could be a physical place where we have met with God in prayer before, or it could be somewhere that seems peaceful, like the mountains or the beach. Then we were to ask Him to meet us there, and ask Him what he wanted to say to us.

It can be that simple.

Of course, there can often be things in the way, blocking us from meeting God – the sin in our lives. Unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred – these are things we have to work through with God before we can hear and accept what God wants to say to us.

One of the books that has been part of the leader’s preparation in this class is Jim W. Goll’s “Wasted on Jesus,” which is about cultivating a contemplative prayer life. I borrowed it last night, and am working my way through the fourth chapter. I don’t think it is necessarily the most compelling or well-written book I have ever picked up, but already I am being learning what a “contemplative prayer life” is, why it is essential in order to know God, and is challenging me to delve further into the subject.

One of the things I really appreciate about it so far is that Goll makes it clear that our focus needs to be God himself, on better knowing who the great I AM is - not the things He can do for us. There needs to be balance between seeking God's voice and carrying over out the truth we hear during those intimate conversations and living it out in our lives - in other spiritual disciplines, in conversations with people, and service.

I am realizing that I feel like Jesus could easily be speaking to me to in John 5:39-40: “You diligently studythe Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.” I don’t want my life to be based on morals from a holy text, but about intimately knowing the holy God that these scriptures point us to.

The truly rich spiritual life is a life of balance, and I, with God’s help, am wholeheartedly going to be working on balancing my imbalanced prayer life. I am so excited to know my God in a new way and finally quiet myself enough to give Him the chance to speak the things He has always been waiting to say.

on your way.

2008-05-06T00:53:00.000-04:00

i love music as much as i love books, and often for the same reasons - other people have managed to take the things running through my head and have captured them in a creative form that stops me in my tracks. this song is one of those.

"on your way"
by Eastmountainsouth

i hope he never hurts you
like i know i hurt you
i was undecided
and it was all i could do
and if he says he loves you
like i know i loved you
then there's a way to trust him
and i'll get over you

so let his heart surround you
let his arms protect you
and hold you every morning
the way that i could never do
another life has blessed you
he wants the same as you do
so i must find the courage
to send you on your way

send you on your way
send you on your way
(send you on your way)

our nights reflecting
on a chance connecting
help me find the meaning
of the life i had with you
wish i heard when you said
that your heart could not wait
but it was my decision
to send you on your way

send you on your way
send you on your way
it was my decision
to send you on your way

i hope he loves you
like i loved you
i hope he knows you
like i do
'cause if he loves you
like i loved you
i can send you on your way

to send you on your way
to send you on your way
to send you on your way

so i must find the courage
to send you on your way

a deeper magic.

2008-04-08T18:25:00.000-04:00

Since I joyful finished the world of undergrad academia in December, I have finally found the time to start devouring books for my own personal pleasure again. From December until now, I have read:

1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
2. Hush by Nicole Braddock Bromley
3. Inside a Cutter's Mind by Jerusha Clark
4. To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller

All of the above have been worthwhile reads, and I am now starting "Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy?" by Gary Thomas. I LOVE books, ok? I always have - since the very beginning of my reading career - which I'm assuming began at about age 4, if we're talking when I started reading by myself.

Every time I read a great book, it ends up making me think, "I hope I can write something that worthwhile someday." Writing at least one book and having it published before I die is definitely a goal of mine... but I currently don't feel like I have anything that compelling to write about. So I'll wait for divine inspiration on that one, I guess.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that I wanted to share some of the thoughts that have really caught my attention in these books. I love when writers capture and explain something no one else has before - or at least no one I've read previously has ever explained it as well.

This was the concept that blew me away from Inside A Cutter's Mind:

"Though it may be very difficult to grasp right now, self-injurers sometimes would themselves because they innately, subconsciously know that in this world... 'The law says that almost everything must be made clean by blood, and sins cannot be forgiven without blood to show death'" (Hebrews 9:22, NCV).

"She had been spilling her own blood in a desperate attempt to make things right, to show that she was sorry, to prove that she deserved to hurt, to end the raging pain inside her. But no wound ever bled enough or went deep enough to last. No cut she made would ever satisfy the ache within. There would always be another reason to destroy, to punish, to heal herself through cutting.

How clear it was: Jesus lived to bleed - once and for all - for every reason she "needed" or "wanted" to cut. She was right all along: Blood did atone. But her blood was insufficient, so He bled in her place. He had suffered all of her shame and offered her the freedom to lay down her self-injury forever."

I have been aware of friends who self-injure since high school, but I had never thought about this being one of the reasons they may have been driven to do so - the idea that some people innately know the shedding of blood is necessary for redemption is amazing to me. The way I look at it, God's truth is already embedded in their brain - but they've only got half the picture. What a beautiful realization it is that God understood this need so deeply that he sent his perfect son to die for all the things we can never heal ourselves! That is true love.

if you knew then what you know now.

2008-03-13T00:51:00.000-04:00

so i think i may have converted.

i have abandoned my old blog for something simpler, and a little more... "2008."

i was asked today by the youth minister at my home church what i wish i had been told when i was in middle/high school about sexuality/relationships/sex, etc. in preparation for an upcoming series on the subject(s).

i think it's hard for me to even know where to start. i made so many mistakes - mistakes which started in middle school. i know a lot of well-meaning adults said a lot of things to try and deter me from making bad decisions. but i have always been the kind who had to learn the hard way.

i heard a lot of glossed-over metaphors, like: "your body is like a present, you shouldn't let anyone unwrap it until your wedding night." "don't touch anywhere a bathing suit would cover."
i understood the idea that i was not supposed to do these things, and that they were sins, but i didn't quite grasp the idea that by choosing to break the rules, i was breaking God's heart and my own in the process.

the first time i remember hearing a christian talk about sex and sexuality in a real, raw, honest and beautiful way was at PCTC in high school. but by this point i had already buried myself waist-deep in sexual sin. i heard what she had to say, but i also acknowledged that i had an addiction, and it was a love-hate relationship i wasn't ready to give up. that same weekend i found myself running back to my comfort zone of male attention and the adrenaline-rush forbidden fruit.

i wish more christians - especially women - had been more raw and honest. i wish i had been told the stories about the rapes and abortions and the heartache and the emptiness sooner. most of all, i wish i had listened when they told me there would be consequences, and what it feels like to have your heart completely shattered. i wish i had been able to really believe that God's infinite love far surpasses any that a human man can offer.

i wish i didn't have to see my sin for what it really is - completely disgusting - so foul it makes my stomach turn. but i fully acknowledge that if i hadn't seen my sin for what it looks like to the Father - to my maker, the being whose image i am stamped with - i wouldn't understand my deep need for Jesus. for forgiveness. for redemption.

i'm in remission. i'm still struggling with coming to terms with what my sexuality as a human and a woman and a christian looks like. it's guaranteed to be a lifelong journey. i am so thankful that i know this much thus far.

what do you wish you knew then - that you know now?