Thursday, March 13, 2008

if you knew then what you know now.

so i think i may have converted.

i have abandoned my old blog for something simpler, and a little more... "2008."

i was asked today by the youth minister at my home church what i wish i had been told when i was in middle/high school about sexuality/relationships/sex, etc. in preparation for an upcoming series on the subject(s).

i think it's hard for me to even know where to start. i made so many mistakes - mistakes which started in middle school. i know a lot of well-meaning adults said a lot of things to try and deter me from making bad decisions. but i have always been the kind who had to learn the hard way.

i heard a lot of glossed-over metaphors, like: "your body is like a present, you shouldn't let anyone unwrap it until your wedding night." "don't touch anywhere a bathing suit would cover."
i understood the idea that i was not supposed to do these things, and that they were sins, but i didn't quite grasp the idea that by choosing to break the rules, i was breaking God's heart and my own in the process.

the first time i remember hearing a christian talk about sex and sexuality in a real, raw, honest and beautiful way was at
PCTC in high school. but by this point i had already buried myself waist-deep in sexual sin. i heard what she had to say, but i also acknowledged that i had an addiction, and it was a love-hate relationship i wasn't ready to give up. that same weekend i found myself running back to my comfort zone of male attention and the adrenaline-rush forbidden fruit.

i wish more
christians - especially women - had been more raw and honest. i wish i had been told the stories about the rapes and abortions and the heartache and the emptiness sooner. most of all, i wish i had listened when they told me there would be consequences, and what it feels like to have your heart completely shattered. i wish i had been able to really believe that God's infinite love far surpasses any that a human man can offer.

i wish i didn't have to see my sin for what it really is - completely disgusting - so foul it makes my stomach turn. but i fully acknowledge that if i hadn't seen my sin for what it looks like to the Father - to my maker, the being whose image i am stamped with - i wouldn't understand my deep need for Jesus. for forgiveness. for redemption.

i'm in remission. i'm still struggling with coming to terms with what my sexuality as a human and a woman and a christian looks like. it's guaranteed to be a lifelong journey. i am so thankful that i know this much thus far.

what do you wish you knew
then - that you know now?