Thursday, March 13, 2008

if you knew then what you know now.

so i think i may have converted.

i have abandoned my old blog for something simpler, and a little more... "2008."

i was asked today by the youth minister at my home church what i wish i had been told when i was in middle/high school about sexuality/relationships/sex, etc. in preparation for an upcoming series on the subject(s).

i think it's hard for me to even know where to start. i made so many mistakes - mistakes which started in middle school. i know a lot of well-meaning adults said a lot of things to try and deter me from making bad decisions. but i have always been the kind who had to learn the hard way.

i heard a lot of glossed-over metaphors, like: "your body is like a present, you shouldn't let anyone unwrap it until your wedding night." "don't touch anywhere a bathing suit would cover."
i understood the idea that i was not supposed to do these things, and that they were sins, but i didn't quite grasp the idea that by choosing to break the rules, i was breaking God's heart and my own in the process.

the first time i remember hearing a christian talk about sex and sexuality in a real, raw, honest and beautiful way was at
PCTC in high school. but by this point i had already buried myself waist-deep in sexual sin. i heard what she had to say, but i also acknowledged that i had an addiction, and it was a love-hate relationship i wasn't ready to give up. that same weekend i found myself running back to my comfort zone of male attention and the adrenaline-rush forbidden fruit.

i wish more
christians - especially women - had been more raw and honest. i wish i had been told the stories about the rapes and abortions and the heartache and the emptiness sooner. most of all, i wish i had listened when they told me there would be consequences, and what it feels like to have your heart completely shattered. i wish i had been able to really believe that God's infinite love far surpasses any that a human man can offer.

i wish i didn't have to see my sin for what it really is - completely disgusting - so foul it makes my stomach turn. but i fully acknowledge that if i hadn't seen my sin for what it looks like to the Father - to my maker, the being whose image i am stamped with - i wouldn't understand my deep need for Jesus. for forgiveness. for redemption.

i'm in remission. i'm still struggling with coming to terms with what my sexuality as a human and a woman and a christian looks like. it's guaranteed to be a lifelong journey. i am so thankful that i know this much thus far.

what do you wish you knew
then - that you know now?


Madailéin said...

I don't know. I had a pretty open and frank family. The only thing I wish I had known was that fantasizing about some things ruined them for me. Perhaps if I had known that associating some things with guilt and dirtiness would set up obstacles for me in my marriage. I had to work through a lot of junk after I got married.

Heather :) said...

I love your thoughts on this topic, Ms. Erika. I am approaching this from a different angle: I wish I knew who to go to for real, honest advice/encouragement. I was trapped in a world where no one wanted to really "dig deep" into my world and speak the Truth to me. I often think about how many people are going through the stuff we went through and have no one to turn to that will speak the Truth to them because they are afraid, a coward, don't want to get involved....whatever you want to call it. We need more people who tell you like it is and aren't afraid to "get involved" and help.

Greg Freeman said...

Oh, I wish I knew a lot of things. Way too many for a comment. etc. etc.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're blogging again. You were missed. Welcome back friend. Great post too...

Sojourner said...

Hey Erika, this is Heather. I just wanted to let you know I'm reading your new blog now :) I appreciate your honesty in this post.

Crystal said...

Hey girl...thanks for reading my blog! You are beautiful in your profile picture by the are always so pretty...naturally too! About your blog and sexual sin, I wish that people would put more "spiritual meaning" into their you did in your blog. People always say, "don't do this or that becasue it's bad." But they don't explain fully how that affects you and others as a Christian.

Madailéin said...

Hey, random question for you. Did your JBC credits transfer out very well, or did you have a lot of problems?